Funny Poems for Weddings About No Presents
Wedding readings are one of our favourite ways to personalise a ceremony. From heartfelt readings to romantic quotes from books and even song lyrics, they're guaranteed to go united states right in the feels. While nosotros love the tear-jerkers, nosotros're also more than a little partial to a funny wedding reading or two.
Funny wedding ceremony readings are a bang-up style to milk shake off pre-vow jitters and unite the congregation (plus, some of them are totes relatable), so we definitely remember they're worth incorporating into your solar day.
Curl through our elevation picks of fabulously funny wedding readings beneath and then ask the lucky candidate to go practising their commitment!
Image: Diana Five Photography
one. Yes, I'll Ally You – Pam Ayres
This funny wedding reading has become a fleck of a classic – and for expert reason! It perfectly sums up most modern relationships.
Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
And here'southward the reason why;
Then I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it's creepy and information technology's belatedly,
I hand you the torch, you see,
And yous investigate.
Yes I'll ally you, my dear,
You lot may not auscultate it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It's you that has to mend it,
Yous have to face up the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
Information technology'south you that has to whack him.
Yes, I'll marry you,
You're virile and you lot're lean,
My house is similar a pigsty
Y'all can help to continue it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served past candlelight,
As I practise chipolatas,
Yous can melt it every nighttime!
It'due south you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I've got PMT it'south y'all who gets the flak,
I do see dandy advantages,
Just none of them for you lot,
And and then before y'all encounter the light,
I practice, I do, I do!
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two. A Lovely Love Story – Edward Monkton
For those of you with a bit of cuddly side, this adorable poem is great for the couple who doesn't take themselves too seriously.
The trigger-happy Dinosaur was trapped inside his muzzle of ice. Although information technology was cold he was happy in at that place. Information technology was, after all, his cage.
And so forth came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur's muzzle with kind words and loving thoughts.
I like this Dinosaur idea the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.
He is likewise quite clever though I volition non tell him this for now.
I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is cute and she is different and she smells so squeamish.
She is also a costless spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.
Just he tin can exist so distant then peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
He is likewise overly addicted of things.
Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?
But her mind skips from hither to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on shopping.
Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs then exceptionally groovy on shopping?
I will forgive his peculiarity and his business for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered private.
I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, idea the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with cute thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.
Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old.
Expect at them.
Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.
And that, my friends, is how information technology is with love.
Allow us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.
For the lord's day is warm.
And the earth is a beautiful identify.
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3. Gravitation – Albert Einstein
Simple, curtailed and beautiful. This short quote past Einstein sums up love beautifully.
"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on globe can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics and so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a infinitesimal and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special daughter for an hour and it seems similar a minute. That'south relativity."
READ MORE: 51 Hilarious Quotes About Honey And Spousal relationship
4. He Never Leaves The Seat Up – Betimes
Accept you lot wedding guests rolling in the aisles and and then tearing up at the end with this poem.
He never leaves the seat upwards
Or wet towels upon the flooring
The toothpaste has the hat on
And he e'er shuts the door!
She's very clean and tidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they'll accept moved!
He'south a very active person
As are all his adjacent of kin
Whereas she likes lazy days
He'll nevertheless drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Dwelling house cooked dinners and the similar
He fifty-fifty knows her favourite food
And spoils her day and nighttime!
She'due south thoughtful when he looks at her
A grinning upon his face
Will he look that good in fifty years
When his dentures aren't in identify?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
Merely when gravity takes her over
Will she amuse with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course she thinks he'south handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They're both not wholly perfect
Merely who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Whereas she won't fifty-fifty budge!
All that said and done
They honey the time they spent together
And I promise as I'g sure yous do
That this fine solar day will final forever.
He'll be more than just her husband
He'll also be her friend
And she'll exist more than just his wife
She's be his soul mate – till the end.
READ More than: How To Programme A Traditional Wedding Anniversary
5. To My Valentine – Ogden Nash
This little reading is an unconventional take on love! Ideal for those who aren't really fans of the mushy stuff.
More than a catbird hates a cat,
Or a criminal hates a inkling,
Or the Centrality hates the Usa,
That's how much I beloved y'all.
I honey you more than a duck can swim,
And more than a grapefruit squirts,
I love you more than than a gin rummy is a bore,
And more than a toothache hurts.
As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,
Or a juggler hates a shove,
As a hostess detests unexpected guests,
That's how much you lot I beloved.
I love you more than a wasp can sting,
And more the subway jerks,
I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,
And more than a hangnail irks.
I swear to you by the stars in a higher place,
And below, if such there exist,
As the High Courtroom loathes perjurious oaths,
That'due south how you're loved past me.
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half-dozen. I Rely On You lot – Hovis Presley
Nosotros wouldn't normally recommend comparing your other half to a HGV, but in this instance we're all for it.
I rely on you
like a camera needs a shutter
like a gambler needs a palpitate
like a golfer needs a doodle
like a buttered scone involves some butter
I rely on you
like an acrobat needs water ice cool nerve
like a hairpin needs a drastic curve
like an HGV needs endless derv
like an outside left needs a body swerve
I rely on y'all
like a handyman needs pliers
similar an auctioneer needs buyers
like a laundromat needs driers
like The Good Life needed Richard Briers
I rely on you.
READ More than: 37 Ways To Personalise Your Wedding ceremony
7. Marriage – Anon
A more realistic viewpoint on the highs and lows of union with this wedding poem. Surprisingly lovely nevertheless.
Union is about giving and taking
And forging and forsaking
Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving
Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing
Near existence together whatever the conditions
About being driven to the end of your tether
About sugariness and kindness
And wisdom and blindness
It's virtually being strong when you're feeling quite weak
It's about proverb zilch when you're dying to speak
It's about being incorrect when you know you are right
It's near giving in, before in that location's a fight
Information technology'south almost y'all two living as cheaply as one
(you can give the states a telephone call if you know how that'due south washed!)
Never heeding advice that was e'er well meant
Never counting the toll until it's all spent
And for yous two today information technology's almost to begin
And for all that the two of you had to put in
Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness
Likewise late you'll discover that marriage is madness.
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eight. I'll Exist There For Yous – Louise Cuddon
Like the infamous Friends vocal, this wedding ceremony poem will leave you feeling warm and comforted and with a big one-time grinning on your face!
I'll be there my darling, through thick and through thin
When your heed's in a mess and your head's in a spin
When your aeroplane'due south been delayed, and you've missed the terminal train.
When life is just threatening to bulldoze you insane
When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last folio
When somebody tells you, y'all're looking your age
When your coffee'due south too cool, and your wine is too warm
When the forecast said "Fine", only you lot're out in a tempest
When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum
And your vacation photos show just your thumb
When you park for 5 minutes in a resident'south bay
And return to detect you lot've been towed abroad
When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste
Just stick on your hips and don't reach round your waist
When the nutrient you most similar brings you out in ruby rashes
When as soon every bit you boot up the encarmine thing crashes
So my darling, my sweetheart, my honey…
When yous interruption a rule, when you act the fool
When you lot've got the influenza, when yous're in a stew
When y'all're concluding in the queue, don't feel blue
'cause I'm telling y'all, I'll be at that place.
nine. Recipe For Dearest – Anon
Quirky and unique, this certainly sounds like the recipe for an awesome marriage to u.s.!
Put the dear, adept looks and sweetness temper into a well furnished firm. Beat the butter of youth to a cream, and mix well together with the blindness of faults.
Stir the pounded wit and expert sense of humour into the sugariness argument, then add together the rippling laughter and common sense. Piece of work the whole together until everything is well mixed and bake gently for ever.
10. A Give-and-take To Husbands – Ogden Nash
Husbandshoped-for, nosotros would totally impress this out and stick it on the fridge if we were you.
To proceed your wedlock brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're incorrect admit it;
Whenever you lot're right shut upward.
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11. Grow Old With You – The Hymeneals Vocalizer
Nosotros're particularly fond of the scrap most doing the dishes and taking intendance of us afterwards drinking one too many!
I wanna make you lot smile whenever you're sad
Bear you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna practise is grow old with yous
I'll get your medicine when your breadbasket aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh, it could be so nice, growing onetime with you
I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my glaze when yous are cold
Need yous
Feed you
Fifty-fifty let yous concur the remote control
So allow me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when yous've had too much to drinkable
Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you lot
12. Dear Is – Adrian Henri
Sweetness, funny and just a little bit cheeky; nosotros're totally in beloved with this 1.
Beloved is…
Love is feeling common cold in the back of vans
Dear is a fanclub with merely two fans
Dear is walking holding pigment stained hands
Dearest is.
Love is fish and chips on wintertime nights
Love is blankets full of strange delights
Love is when you lot don't put out the low-cal
Love is
Dearest is the presents in Christmas shops
Love is when you're feeling Top of the Pops
Beloved is what happens when the music stops
Beloved is
Love is white panties lying all forlorn
Love is pink nightdresses still slightly warm
Love is when y'all have to leave at dawn
Love is
Love is you lot and dearest is me
Love is prison house and dearest is complimentary
Honey's what's there when you are away from me
Dearest is…
13. Be My Homer – Anon
Calling all couples who grew up watching our favourite yellow TV family! This one is guaranteed to get a grin out of fifty-fifty the grumpiest grans and aunts.
Be my Homer
I wanna be your Marge.
If I'chiliad your Norfolk Broads
Volition you be my clomp?
Allow's please exist Tom and Barbara,
I will evidence you The Skilful Life.
Even though we're not yet married
I would honey to exist your wife.
I've the passion Lily Munster
has for her dear Herman.
I would love you if y'all were ginger,
I would beloved you if you lot were German.
Similar Mr and Mrs Huxtable,
We'd smooch even when we're wrinkly.
I'll even consider ironing your shirts,
But I promise yous like them crinkly.
Like Mr and Mrs Incredible
I'm flexible and you're tough.
Only if you promise to exist my truthful love
That will always be enough.
Like Attractive and that Clyde guy
without all the dying.
Like Gwyneth and that Coldplay man
without all the crying.
My partner in crime, the dearest of my life.
If y'all're looking to add more humour to your wedding, make certain to show your best man these funny speech introductions or take inspiration for your vows from our favourite funny and realistic wedding vows.
Source: https://www.hitched.co.uk/wedding-planning/organising-and-planning/funny-wedding-readings/
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